What Not To Buy For Christmas

Everyone has a drawer of dud gifts for recycling. Don’t they?

In my drawer are quite a few crystal angels with the power to heal – allegedly.  These were given by people who like to knit their own mung beans.  There is a selection of magnifying glasses I don’t know what to do with.  Some nice people thought of me, while rummaging through the 50% off section, and assumed that another magnifier would be a fun thing to own.  There are also quite a few candles.

It’s not that I’m a candle killjoy.  It’s just that there are things in life that I don’t like.  Top of my list is rice pudding.  Milk puddings are the food of the devil.  If you have cataracts the naked flame flickering away in front of you has all the seductive powers of an ocular migraine and is the work of the devils’ assistant. 

I know there are people that love candles but I’ve noticed that the people who gift them don’t have their houses stuffed with them. I’ve never popped over to anyone’s for a drink to find the house entirely illuminated with scented candles.

I have a theory that the same people who buy scented candles, buy soft toys for their adult friends.  I don’t want soft toys cluttering up my house to trip over and I don’t want candles flickering away like nasty little optical jabs. Neither of these things are ambrosia.

My friend the Opera Singer gave his daughter a spectacular pair of suede boots, with heels like stilts, for Christmas last year. She was delighted. Don’t give me shoes with heels. I need my feet for working out the terrain underneath then. Stilettos don’t give enough feedback because not enough of the foot is actually in contact with the ground. Only do it if you want to kill me or intend to carry me. If it’s the latter, I need advance warning.

Don’t buy me books either. I can’t read them. Just because I have a pair of reading glasses does not mean to say I use them for reading. If you buy me a book I might just put it in the dud presents drawer and give it back to you next year. Hats with large flowers on the front don’t look good on anyone over the age of five. A video on canoeing proficiency doesn’t float my boat.  A day spent clay pigeon shooting is lost on anyone registered blind. If I get garlic again (you know who you are), I will leave it behind your radiator.

If you are thinking of anything without a VPL make sure the cotton content is in all the right places.  I’m receptive to jewellery. I’m positively humming at the prospect of another driving experience.  A really good scent (without the candle attached to it) would be heaven. (Room fresheners wont do) If you’re pushed for cash, how about a nice cup of tea, or a good yomp in the countryside and a chat?

Who can resist the smell of a real tree inside the house? There have to be tree lights, of course, to be switched on occasionally, when I have my back turned! There will definitely be stilton and marzipan. There will definitely be champagne. There will be late nights, late starts and people I love. I’d rather have time with friends, the Son and the DiL (daughter-in-law), than stuff.

Santa Baby, I’ve been an awful good girl this year. So anything under the tree, for me, please, could it not involve wax!

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