The most I have ever grown is a single radish sometime in the seventies.  My Dad used to give me runner bean and the odd courgette plant. Sometimes they thrived and sometimes they died. More accurately, I killed them.

I’m feeling pretty smug as I’ve grown much of my lawn from seed this year, although the Right Hand neighbour gently pointed out that the lawn is full of all kinds of things that don’t appear to be grass. They’re green so it all the same to me. I can’t tell.

I planted a crab apple tree and bought a packet of courgette seeds and two packets of runner bean seeds.  Everything you ever wanted to know about growing veg is on YouTube. I know because I have spent an indecent amount of time watching it. I could have done with more close up shots because even after careful viewing I have no idea what they looked like. Also, a description of what plants feel like what to touch would be helpful.

It takes seconds to plant a seed and about two weeks for the first green shoots to appear. I thought I had it covered. Beans in the black plastic pots and courgettes in the brown, or was it the other way around? It mattered because of what went where when it came to potting on. I know this because You Tube said so. No doubt time would tell.

When time did not reveal what was a bean and what was a courgette, I potted them on anyway and hoped for the best. All things being equal I was reckoning on a fifty percent success rate. I was not prepared for the triumph of a hundred percent. I know because I can count, but what was a bean and what was a courgette?

Courgettes become scratchy to the touch and make you itch. That’s how I worked out what was what and went where. Time to plant out all six of my courgette plants, all eight dwarf runner beans and all nine runners. All things being equal I was reckoning on a fifty percent success rate. I was unprepared for the triumph of a hundred percent.

Six courgette plants produce a lot of courgettes. The Right Hand neighbour took some but having eaten them was silent on the subject. I’m worried they won’t answer the door if they know it’s me with more courgettes.

The Sister said, “I’ve never seen a courgette like that before.”

The Son said, ‘Why are you bringing us all this stuff you don’t want? We don’t want it either.”

I’ve been giving courgettes and runner beans away and eating them twice a day every day for nearly two months now. There are dozens still on the plants and as many again in the fridge.

The Cleaning Genie turned up on Monday and said,” Why are you not eating your beans?”

“What beans?” I asked.

“The ones hanging off that plant.” She marched over and picked a bunch of outsized beans.

“They’ve gone to seed,” she said. Despite copious finger combing through all bean plants I had missed them.

The cleaning Genie told me how to dry parsley in the microwave before she left. Luckily I remembered how to put out the ensuing fire from the last time it happened.

The Sister says the crab apple tree has fungus.  Only a few weeks of courgettes to go. I spend a lot of time running my fingers through my runner beans. Next year I’m positioning the canes further apart so I can get my head inside. I’m not risking them going to seed. I’m picking them young.

Gardening blind has been a constant surprise.